In the neurotic world of concrete jungle dating, it’s hard to let our guard down. Nearly impossible, actually, because we equate emotional honesty with vulnerability and vulnerability with powerlessness. New Yorkers wear a lot of hats, but powerlessness is not one of them. It doesn’t fit. Now you’re thinking, reining in feelings and controlling impulses doesn’t sound like a New Yorker! True, but when it comes to dating, it’s a rule we die by.

On a recent excursion from the city, I ran into a handsome old friend turned crush. We spent some casual time together - a refreshing break from the tired, neurotic game.  As far as I can tell, he has never been jaded by the neurotic New York dating scene. His affection appeared genuine, and his compliments lacked the alternate, ego-boosting motivation consistently present in city dating. In fact, the entire exchange felt void of pretense and calculation. It felt authentic. I might even go so far to say he wasn’t concerned with the power balance, and consequently, I could just be. (Mind blowing, right?)

To just be - to live in the moment rather than ten steps ahead of the moment like most New Yorkers - felt so refreshing and freeing. Of course, I had to constantly remind myself that authentic is a positive feeling, that the pleasure of it all was normal and to let go of my anxiety. Of course, I couldn’t refrain from continuously assessing the dynamic. I have been city dating for way too long to let go that easily. I did, however, enjoy some authentic moments. By the end of four days, I was so enjoying these authentic moments that I forgot to tally the power points. I think at one point I teased about how much we like each other - implying that I like him. I won’t say this in four months much less four days when in my element, but take me out for a few days and suddenly I’m living the life of a normal human.

I can’t remember what it was like to date regular rather than for sport. Regular dating is organic and natural. In regular dating, rather than muting your emotions, you lead with and make decisions with your emotions. Feeling comfortable with whatever feelings you have  for another person allows you to revel in the moment. I would venture to say that it allows you to shine brightly in that moment, with that person.

On this first day of the new year, I’m going to vow to incorporate this into my real dating. My sport dating, however, will remain the power-driven game I’ve become oh so good at.

Emma Dinzebach

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