My friend E, not to be confused with me, has a thing for guys who come on strong. Her current beau sent her a bottle of Veuve, a dozen roses and chocolates for her birthday before their first date. (To clarify, they were introduced via an email chain regarding a vacation they were both supposed to go on, and had an instant connection. At the last minute, E couldn’t go, but he still wanted to see her an traveled for a visit.)

During a vigorous late night sexcapade, he threw a pillow knocking over the bottle of red wine, and staining her carpet. Monday morning she received a phone call from him asking when she would be home during the week, and Thursday morning the carpet cleaners showed up at her door. He’s ambitiously thoughtful, and coming from someone who once dated the least thoughtful man alive, ambitious thoughtfulness is a stellar quality.

But not for everyone. If I had received the roses and chocolate and champagne prior to our first date, I likely would have never spoken to the guy again or at least expressed my disdain for over-the-top too soon. (Okay, maybe just the champagne would have been nice.) But I don’t like red roses, and don’t chocolates mean you love someone? Maybe he loves her! And maybe he should hold off a bit rather than telling her via FedEx 2 day air. Not to discredit his efforts because if he knows she likes the strong approach, then he is thoughtfully golden.

After all, if you like it, you better lock it down gentlemen, which means gauging what your partner needs in terms of thoughtfulness. If you have never surprised your boyfriend with anything remotely thoughtful but constantly complain your coworkers are getting flowers and singing telegrams, then maybe you need to examine the color of the pot and the kettle. Eh, hem, black. Dudes like sweet gestures too. I used to bring my ex-boyfriend’s squash bag to his office before he even realized he forgot it. In the grand scheme, it was a single small gesture, but strung together a series of thoughtfulness (on both his part and my own) that kept our relationship afloat for several wonderful years.

And most importantly, be clear with what you want. This is the best way to help your partner gauge what they are supposed to be doing. You think men should know to send flowers, but every relationship is like starting from square uno, meaning you’re going to have to express yourself. I know, I know, if you have to tell them to send flowers, it won’t mean as much. But maybe it means your partners listens to you, and listening is the most thoughtful of gestures.

Emma Dinzebach

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